Helping Young Children Tell the Truth
Raman had told his three- year-old daughter Sneha not to eat candy before dinner: When Raman came into the kitchen, the candy bag was empty and Sneha was chewing something. John asked her if she was eating candy. She said she was not.
Most young children experiment with lying. As parents, we can help them tell the truth by , responding calmly and consistently when we know they are saying something false.
Children reason quite differently than adults. To help children tell the truth, the adult must distinguish between a lie—a deliberate intent to deceive ("I didn't do it!")—and a young child's imagination escaping into the realm of tall tales and wishful thinking ("We are going to throw away the new baby; she cries too much.")
Persistent lies are built on a foundation of little lies that "worked" for the child in the past. The child has learned that fantastic stories or false statements are
effective ways to:
minimize embarrassment;
avoid punishment; gain attention;
protect self-esteem.
Wishful thinking often blurs the line between reality and fantasy. Upon seeing a friend's new puppy, a child may state emphatically, "I have a new puppy too!" Stating his Wish convincingly enough may raise his status with his peers.
When responding to wishful thinking, focus on the child's feelings rather than on the fats: "Do you wish you had a new puppy too? Would that be exciting?" If you allow the child to possess in fantasy what he can't have in reality, the story-telling often subsides.
However, if child persists with the false statement, calmly re-state the facts and again accept the feelings:
"You do not have a new puppy, but Sachin does. You really wish that you had one. Tell me about the puppy you would like to have." Redirect the child and be sure he gets plenty of attention for non-puppy talk.
Persistent denial of observed misdeeds in a preschooler may be a sign the child has low self esteem. He needs our help.
Remain calm. Severe scolding or punishment often results in more lying.
After catching Sneba with an empty candy hag and full mouth, Raman calmly continued talking to her. Finally she admitted that she had been eating candy.
Avoid setting the child up to lie by demanding in an angry voice, "Did you do that?" Anger and harsh consequences may simply frighten a child into lying.
Never shame the child or imply that he is a liar: "You are lying and you know it'1 reinforces in the child's mind that he is a liar. The more he believes this, the more he will lie.
Help the child break free from the role of liar. Point out his own honest statements and courageous actions: "Billy, I asked where Erin's new whistle was, and you said it was in your pocket. Thank you for helping by telling the truth. You are honest and courageous!" If the
child reverts to lying, remind him that you believe lying is not typical of him: "Why Billy, I'm surprised! Usually you are very truthful. Remember when ..."
Meet the child's need for attention by recognizing and rewarding appropriate behaviour.
Give the child opportunity to make amends for the misdeed (cleaning up the mess, apologizing for hurt feelings, offering to share, returning an item. This teaches "a better way" and reinforces in his own mind that he really is a good person.
Above all, live an honest and truthful life yourself. If your child discovers you telling or acting a lie, he will believe that it is all right for him to do the same.
When Sneha admitted eating the candy, John took her into another room. Gently he explained what the Bible says about disobedience and lying. He thanked her for admitting her lie and told her that God wanted her to grow up to be a good woman. Sneha would remember her father's kind, firm correction and discipline the next time she was tempted to lie or disobey. She felt restored and cleansed in her father's love and God's love. |
