What wives can do
Recently I received this letter:"My husband and I are Christians and I've discovered he views Internet porn. We talked about it but he hasn't stopped. I feel horrible, as if I'm partially to blame because I haven't been affectionate with him or because I'm not attractive enough. Why would he look at these things? Why am I not good enough? I'm trying not to overreact, but this hurts."
Self-concept for women is often a fragile thing. It's as fragile as that other mysterious thing called the male ego. If a woman discovers her husband's into pornography, it's virtually impossible for her to believe his addiction has little to do with her. She feels she's to blame. If only I'd stuck to my diet and lost that weight, she laments. If only I'd colored my hair after all, if only ...
Interspersed with those thoughts are the ones of anger: That jerk! I can't believe he'd throw away all we've worked for!
Sexual sin can be such a wound to a woman's soul that it's easy for her to react immediately with disgust and distrust. But if she could control her indignation long enough, she may see that her first reaction of anger may not always be the wisest. It can make a bad situation worse. Through my years of counseling couples, I've had the chance to see several different responses some destructive and some redemptive.
For instance, Preeti was casually looking through bills one day, which she did rarely, and saw several calls made to 900 numbers. She didn't know what they were so she dialed one and was shocked by the lewd, seductive woman on the line. Then the truth hit her: Tim had been calling those numbers!
Preeti reacted from her gut. Without talking to Tim or considering options, she packed a bag and left for her parents' house.
On the other hand, Joyti handled her discovery differently. Her husband, Mark, was a teacher at a Christian high school where a female student caught him looking at a porn site on his office computer. Mark lost his job immediately. Jyoti's world was left in shambles and she wanted to run or break something over Mark's head, but instead she talked to a trusted friend who helped her con¬sider what she really wanted. As hurt as Jyoti was, she knew she re¬ally wanted to be married to Mark. She told Mark she was angry by what had happened, but that she loved him and wanted to help him break free from the bondage he was under.
With her commitment to Mark, they were able to reconcile. It was a slow process, but it happened.
So what should you do if you discover your husband ogling pornography?
Pray. And keep praying. Ask God to work in your husband's heart, convicting and healing. While you're powerless to make your husband change, God is all-powerful. You can depend on him to handle your feelings and your husband's behavior.
Seek outside help. Go to your pastor or a Christian counselor who can help you understand your husband's actions and how you can respond.
Work as a team. Recognize that you and your husband are on the same side and attack this problem as such. That will reinforce to your husband that your relationship is a safe place.
Try "tough love." Draw a boundary for his behavior—one you both agree on. Gently but firmly inform him of the consequences if he steps over the boundary.
These steps sound simple; they aren't—but they work. Hundreds of women whose husbands have betrayed them with pornography are convinced that reconciliation can happen. Forgiveness can be exchanged. Trust can be rebuilt. God has the power to obliterate even such addictions as sexual sin.
Adapted from an article by—Melissa McBurney. |
