Healthy Family Relationships
Narendra Singh
I was talking with one of the college students who had accepted Christ in the last year. I asked him to tell me why he had accepted Christ and how he had made that decision. He said, well you know, my Mom had been a Christian as long as I remember but when my Dad became a Christian, well that got my attention." I thought to myself, how powerful is the influence of a father and in that influence is also a great potential for abuse of power. The father is so influential with his children that it can also be easy to crush the spirit of the child.
Now let me give you some interesting insight about a critical problem of fatherless homes from the National Center for Fathering. "Currently more than 27 million children- 39% of all U.S. children live apart from their father. In a typical year, well over one third of these children won't even see their father. More than half of all European-American children and three quarters of all African-American children born since 1975 will live some portion of their formative years with only one parent. And in the vast majority of these cases it is the father who's absent. Children with little or no contact with their fathers are more likely to drop out of school, become involved in drug and alcohol abuse. Teen girls are more likely to become pregnant and boys are more likely to become involved in crime and violence. Unfortunately, when a father is physically present in the home he may be emotionally absent. Often men don't know how to effectively involve themselves in the lives of their children."
There are five key things that really exasperate our children. First, when the father is absent from the home. When you look at children who are brought up in a home with no father, with no parental leadership, especially during the teenage years, that can be very exasperating to those children. Secondly, the father lives in the home, but is hardly ever there. Third, the father is passive. He simply seems to show no interest in what is going on in the home or what is going on in the life of a child. Fourth, the father is stern. He is too strict and too harsh with the children and that has a way of exasperating the children, of crushing their spirit. And fifth, the father is a hypocrite. In other words, those fathers who act one way in church on Sunday and then act a very different way at work and in the home all week long. That has a way of exasperating the children.
We need to remember something very important. God is not expecting us to be perfect in the home - none of us are. When we are too harsh with our children, we need to learn how to go to our children and ask forgiveness and acknowledge that we've done wrong. It is amazing how forgiving our children are when they see that we have the integrity. That is part of continuing to build the trust in our child.
We need to realize that there is a fine balance with godly discipline and instruction in the home. In Ephesians 6:4, it says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Discipline is to be consistent. Children need boundaries and they need to be clear about what the boundaries are. They need to be disciplined when they cross those boundaries. Both the father and mother have to work together, playing a leadership role with their children.
I am sure many of us are indebted to James Dobson and the insight that he shares about parenting. There are a couple of things that have stuck with me about his teaching on parenting. One is that we are to break the will of the child, but not the spirit. That is very consistent with biblical teaching. In other words, they are to come under the authority of their parents and learn to respect that authority.
The key ways that we shouldn’t break children's spirit is to go to them with instruction after we have administered discipline. In other words, you and I as parents have to spend time with our children and assure them our love and support. Dobson also says that discipline is not to be administered in anger. There is less effectiveness in anger than when it is politely done. So God's Word is telling fathers, "look, when it comes to our children, yes we're to be strong, effective in our leadership and loving in our discipline. We're to offer instruction and teaching in our leadership in a way that helps our children want to follow our lead.
Two things we learn from the Word of God are to submit within the institution of the family and most of all to Jesus Christ. The father and the mother have the major responsibility of leadership, but all in the family are called to submit to one another for Christ sake.
Secondly, God has decreed all of us to have different roles in the home. It has nothing to do with inequality. It is just what God has ordained for the husband, wife, father, mother, child and parents. We have to trust God who has designed the institution of the family and has given us structure and roles in the family in order to have the healthiest family relationships.
AIM, Feb. 2006 |
