Men
Control Freaks, and the Women Who Love Them
In telling women to obey their husbands in everything, have we created an environment that encourages abuse?
The church has, unknowingly, created an environment that encourages abuse. We cite familiar Bible passages demanding that wives submit to their husbands without providing any explanation of what submission means in a practical sense, and without outlining what these same biblical passages demand of husbands. Our counseling has been illogical and irresponsible.
After all, if a man erupts in anger at home or is overly demanding, isn't he just demonstrating that he is in charge? Isn't it a godly virtue for Christian men to act strong and authoritarian?
Isn't it true that if a man doesn't remain in absolute control, he is in danger of becoming spiritually weak, and thus he opens up a door for spiritual attack on his home?
Many evangelical Christian men today might agree with this philosophy--but the logic is ridiculous. (We should also note that Paul told Timothy that a man "given to anger" is not qualified to serve in ministry. See 1 Tim. 3:3)
The root problem with our theology is that the church has taught that men have a biblical right to dominate--and it has instructed women that their submission to this ungodly behavior is God-ordained suffering, which they must willingly bear.
This butchering of biblical texts distorts the character of Christ--who spent much of His time teaching on God's care for the oppressed.
Let's look carefully at a verse that is most often used to promote this wrong view and set the record straight.
Because the apostle Paul told women to "submit to your husbands as to the Lord" (Eph. 5:22, NIV), we have assumed this means women have no say in family matters or that their opinion is second-rate.
This verse, taken out of context, has been twisted to mean that the husband is the boss, and the woman must obey his every whim. We portray marriage as a hierarchy, with husbands on the throne and wives at the footstool.
In more than one instance Jesus taught that a true leader in the kingdom of God is a servant. He said the greatest must be the least. He told His disciples that they must become as children. He said in Mark 10:44 that "whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all" (NAS).
How do we apply this passage to marriage? Certainly it should be clear that if a man is called to lead a family, his leadership must be Christlike. He must serve, not dictate. He must display humility, not a know-it-all attitude. He must lead from a position of meekness, not from prideful superiority or tyrannical domination.
In fact, Jesus flatly condemned the worldly style of top-down, hierarchical leadership when he taught that His kingdom was not like that of the Gentiles, whose leaders "lord it over" their subordinates (see Matt. 20:25-26).
Why would Christ condemn this kind of behavior on one hand, and then encourage husbands to act in an authoritarian manner at home? He didn't, and neither did the apostle Paul.
When we read Paul's discourse on marriage in Ephesians 5, we must start with verse 21, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (NIV). This verse has been conveniently overlooked in many Christian marriage seminars, which usually start the lesson with verse 22, "Wives, submit to your husbands."
I have often heard teachings on the subject of male headship in the home, but I've never heard a pastor encourage men to submit to their wives as it is suggested in verse 21. Yet in a loving marriage, a man and woman will defer to one another as they make decisions.
We also must note that the Greek word for submission, hupotasso, is written in the Greek middle voice, which means it is something that an individual imposes upon himself or herself.
It means to choose to yield to another, rather than demanding one's own way. Submission remains the freewill right of the one choosing to yield. It cannot be demanded or imposed upon an individual from another.
The overarching theme of marriage in the Bible is the concept of unity and oneness. Couples should develop a deep level of intimacy and trust that blossoms as they work out differences, share dreams and walk through hardships together.
This is the concept of biblical submission that the apostle Paul attempted to convey in Ephesians. The point is never who is right or wrong, or who is in charge. The issue is how we can discover the mind of Christ. I view my wife as an equal. I am not "over her."
We must notice also in studying Ephesians 5 that Paul does not focus the text solely on the need for wifely submission. His words in this passage also stress the loving attitude husbands should demonstrate at home.
Men are commanded to love their wives "as Christ loved the church" (v. 25) and "as their own bodies." These words were revolutionary in a first-century culture that taught that wives were their husband's property!
Marriages are doomed to serious dysfunction and ultimate failure if the husband views his wife as inferior, or if he arrogantly assumes that God wants him to always have the right answer and the wisest plan in every situation.
No! The reason God provided Adam with Eve was because the man couldn't do it alone. He needed an equal partner who complimented him in every way.
The passage of Scripture that is so often misused in regard to the complex issue of male headship is Ephesians 5:22-23: "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church" (NAS).
Contrary to popular interpretation, these verses do not give men a license to dominate their wives, nor do they endorse a kind of top-down hierarchy in the marriage relationship.
One of Paul's main reasons for writing this discourse on family relationships was to stress the beauty of the mystical union between man and wife, which he compares to the communion between Christ and the church.
If Paul were trying to declare who was in charge, he would have said, "Wives, obey your husbands"--in the same manner that he states in Colossians 3:20, "Children, obey your parents." But he does not use the word obey.
But there is another important reason why Paul wrote these words, and we cannot understand their meaning without delving deeper into the culture of the New Testament period.
Theologian Catherine Clark Kroeger has noted that in the first century, women had no rights and were considered possessions. In the Roman Empire, it was customary for the woman's father to continue to claim ownership of his daughter even after she was married.
This inhumane system, known as sine manu, or "marriage without hand," was a way for the bride's dowry to stay under the control of her father even after she moved into her husband's home.
As long as she was brought back to her father's house three times a year (sometimes against her will), he could claim legal ownership of her and her property.
This system, which was later outlawed, obviously created havoc in families.
Understanding this context, it makes sense why Paul stressed to the new Christian community in Ephesus that a wife should "be attached to" or "submitted" or "identified with" her husband.
She was no longer to be attached to her father! And this is why Paul, a few verses later, quotes Genesis 2:24: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (NIV).
But if this passage in Ephesians does not give men permission to dominate their wives, then why does Paul say that a husband is "head" (5:23) of the wife?
The Greek word for "head" in this passage is kephale, which is most often translated "authority over." However, some Bible scholars point out that this word can and often is translated "source" in ancient texts, in much the same way that we would refer to the "head" of a river being its source.
Therefore it is possible that kephale can mean here that man is the source of woman, a reference to the fact that Eve was created from Adam.
Again, many scholars believe that Paul is setting in order the true Christian family in the midst of a pagan Roman culture that treated women like property and disregarded the autonomy of a newlywed couple.
If we truly want to understand the meaning of Ephesians 5, these cultural factors must be considered. Paul's words to this infant New Testament church were meant to liberate women who had been subjected to a patriarchal system that did not even recognize their personhood. How tragic that we have used Paul's liberating words to put women in bondage!
The apostle Paul's words to husbands in Ephesians 5:28, "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies," was such a radical departure from the cultural traditions of the day. The Christian view of husband-wife relationships is one of equality and mutual respect, not domination, control and humiliation.
J. Lee Grady is the editor of Charisma magazine. |
